My Daughter's Battle with Anorexia

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, and in celebration of that, The Healthy Dancer has asked its readers to share their stories, and to encourage our readers to promote awareness this week and share these posts, The Healthy Dancer is hosting a giveaway. To be entered to win the new edition of Jenni Schaefer's book, Life Without ED, you must leave a comment on this post. To gain additional entries we invite you to share links to our posts this week on Facebook and Twitter.

        Today's post is from the mother of a dancer who is in recovery from anorexia.

My daughter is Margaret Claire.  She was a lovely, determined child. She danced from the age of 4 and made a choice to pursue ballet. She was talented, and when the time came to apply to colleges, she chose to major in dance.

Classically trained dancers are familiar with disappointment. While they may take class with other dancers, dance is not a “team sport”. Dancers are critical of themselves and constantly competing against other dancers for roles.  They develop thick skin – on the outside.

Midway through her sophomore year in college, Margie called and told me she had a problem:  she couldn’t eat. I didn’t understand what she meant until she came home for Christmas. My lovely, confident, driven daughter was so thin, and I wanted to hug away the pain I saw in her eyes. I was terrified, but certain that if I made her favorite foods, she would eat. When she didn’t eat, I assured myself she wouldn’t be purging because she would not be self-destructive…but she was.  She was starving herself, she was purging, and eventually began cutting.

My daughter reached out for help, and I now know how important that step was. She withdrew from college, came home, and began the odyssey of her recovery. I enlisted the help of everyone I knew – our family doctor, my daughter’s mentor, people in the dance community, family, and friends.

It was most helpful when a therapist told me that I needed to treat this diagnosis as if I’d been told my daughter had cancer or diabetes or MS – a disease she had little to no control over.

Watching my daughter fight this disease was one of the most difficult things I’ve had to face in my life. I remember feeling so low at times, praying I could take away her pain for just a short while. I couldn’t find any joy in living, knowing my daughter was hurting emotionally and was close to her body physically giving up.

Over time she began feeling good, she was dancing again, she enrolled in a college closer to home, therapy had worked, and she was in recovery – until she relapsed.

This time her option for help was a 4-month long day program.  She once again dropped out of school, her life was placed on hold, and I wondered if she would ever be okay.

I watched her fight hard – sometimes against the process, sometimes against me, & sometimes against others who held her accountable during her recovery.  She fought the disease!

Today, 6 years later, my daughter is in recovery. She graduated from college with honors and has recently been accepted to a prestigious graduate program.

Six years ago….

            I had no idea what anorexia was.

            I had no idea if my daughter would live or die.

            I had no idea how strong my daughter is.

            I had no idea if I would ever find joy in life again.

            I had no idea that I would be able to laugh with my daughter again.

My daughter is Margaret Claire, and she is a lovely, determined, focused young woman.

Diana Achee

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A Professional Dancer Shares her ED Story & A Giveaway

 This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, and in celebration of that, The Healthy Dancer has asked its readers to share their stories, and to encourage our readers to promote awareness this week and share these posts, The Healthy Dancer is hosting a giveaway. To be entered to win the new edition of Jenni Schaefer's book, Life Without ED, you must leave a comment on this post. To gain additional entries we invite you to share links to our posts this week on Facebook and Twitter.

This courageous post comes from a professional dancer currently struggling with an eating disorder...  

Separation

A recent “medical leave” from dance satisfied the suggestions of professionals that separation from the dance environment would help me to recover from my disordered eating. I’d like to say that my doctors told me to take some time away from dancing because I became too thin. This was not the case. As a dancer that struggles with eating from the binge-eating/bulimic side of things, I often feel ashamed of not being “sick enough”. For not being good enough to really have an eating disorder…

Two and a half months and 15 extra pounds later, no solution to the eating disorder has emerged.  Instead, I have found myself giving in, allowing myself permission to binge, purge, and restrict; falling into destructive, late-night behaviors with wild friends that I can’t keep up with; and wondering why I feel lethargic, hopeless and bloated with disgust for myself.

The exact beginning of the eating disorder behaviors is unclear. Perhaps personality made me vulnerable: as a perfectionist and highly sensitive individual, I always will experience life with overwhelming intensity.  I remember feeling large as a kid, even before ballet and I were in a serious, exclusive relationship. Once that relationship blossomed, weight and food became an obsession. Instead of nourishing the unique set of talents that my compact, muscular body allowed me, I gorged myself with hate for my shortcomings until I was sick with cruelty toward myself.

College - a blizzard of bingeing, over-exercising, restricting, laxatives, and calorie counts. On the outside I blossomed, but inside I burned with anxious hopelessness, stuck in the eating disorder cycle. My serious relationship shifted from being with dance to being with the eating disorder. Somehow I  finished with nearly a perfect GPA, a job dancing professionally, and a legacy of unforgettable performances. Yet, I was so numb to all such beauty in my life.

After college, this addictively abusive relationship with food and my body dragged me through a turbulent first year dancing with a mid-West ballet company. Despite my success, I remained unsatisfied. I fled that environment, re-locating to my hometown to dance for a contemporary ballet company. In all honesty, I returned home to search for a solution to the eating disorder. Early into the season, I found myself bowing out of the studio and stepping completely into the eating disorder’s arms.

Yesterday was my first class back to dancing in months. I made this decision on my own, without the approval of my support team. I have never been more proud. Time away from dancing has allowed me the unexpected realization that dance itself can and must be part of the recovery process for those of us who are dancers at heart. I had no idea that the solution to my problem eating might lie in the movement itself.

I had no idea that it’s not the dance world that caused the eating disorder, but rather my own unrealistic demands for myself within the context of this world. Once the core belief of my lack of worth was established, it became very easy to view it as truth. It’s easy to focus on the demanding parts of dance. However, it took a complete removal of dance from my life for me to notice the power it instills in me: motivation, life, strength, energy. I live as a dancer, and I can now recognize that in order to be content, I must nourish this part of me. I feel music in my muscles. I experience relationships as a dance of spirits. To recover, I must move, because the dancer in me contains some of the best, most thoughtful parts of my soul. When I dance, I’m wild, free, and compassionate. My time away from dance has reminded me that I can be this person in all parts of my life. Through dance, my soul sings, and it is time to allow myself to enjoy the song.

National Eating Disorders Awareness

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Time To Share Your Stories

          February is National Eating Disorders Awareness Month, and this blog has always used the month of February to educate the dance community about eating disorders and help create awareness.  This year, I would like to invite any of my readers who have an eating disorder, are recovering from an eating disorder, have survived an eating disorder or have been a parent, friend, teacher or coach of someone with an eating disorder to share their experiences.

         I will accept guest articles from you up until Sunday, February 16, and will celebrate National Eating Disorder Awareness by publishing your stories the last two weeks in February.  Anyone who comments on the shared stories will be entered into a contest to win the 10th Anniversary Edition of Jenni Schaefer's book Life Without Ed.

If you are interested in sharing your story email me, and I will share the guidelines with you!

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

            This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week and an important week for dance educators.  As a dance educator I have taught students with diagnosed eating disorders, I have had parents come to me in tears looking for guidance and support, I have had students come to me wanting to know how to help their friends, and I have had the privilege to be a student’s point person during the recovery process. 

            Dance is an activity that forces people to face their bodies daily.  Dancers stare at themselves in full mirrors, they need to be able to accept their bodies strengths as well as weaknesses, and they need to learn to be critical of how their bodies move without being critical of their actual bodies.  One of our jobs as dance educators is to teach them how to do these things and still develop a positive self-image.  Ignoring eating disorders and pretending they do not exist will not make them go away – educating the dance community about healthy eating, what really happens when we diet, what eating disorders are and how to recognize them, and how dangerous they can be will start us in the right direction.

            The Healthy Dancer’s celebration of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week usually involves covering the dance studio mirrors with paper and asking each student to write 3 things he or she like about him/herself on the paper.  By the end of the week, all of my dancers have enjoyed a week without mirrors and self-judgment and have instead focused on their positive qualities.

            The National Eating Disorder Association is a great resource for those suffering from disorders, parents, coaches, and educators, and I am always willing to share my experiences as an educator if you simply send me an email.

            In order to celebrate on this blog, I have gathered snippets from all of my past posts relating to nutrition and eating disorders for you to browse through, and The Healthy Dancer is sponsoring a giveaway in conjunction with the dancers who created Barre – The Real Food Bar.  Click on this link to find out how to win these healthy energy bars that are made from only real, whole food ingredients and taste delicious, too!

Dancer Health:  Fueling the Body Efficiently

When people prepare for a long road trip, they fill their cars with gasoline and make certain that they choose the type of fuel that will keep their cars running efficiently.  Food is the body’s fuel, and if the body is going to run efficiently, we need to be mindful of the food we use for energy.  Read more....

What to Eat Before and After Class or Rehearsal     

Dance students attend classes and rehearsals after already completing a long day at school.  It is at the time when most people begin to experience the “afternoon slump” that dancers are expected to begin the next part of their day.  Classes are starting and are often followed by rehearsals and require enormous amounts of energy.  Eating intelligently will help dancers perform at their best and feel good while doing it.  Read more...

Dancers and Body Image

Dancers are given the opportunity to observe themselves daily in full-length mirrors while wearing only tights and a leotard and must learn to live in harmony with their bodies.  They, unlike other athletes, are constantly faced with the challenge of developing the muscles required to perform well while making certain that the lines they produce are clean and aesthetically pleasing to the audience.  Read more...

Eating Disorders:  What Are They?

  
A dancer’s struggle with body image, when coupled with environmental and societal pressures to look a certain way or be a certain weight, often leads to dieting which can be a dangerous road for any athlete to travel.  Suddenly decreasing caloric intake, while energy demands remain high, leaves the body unable to function optimally and can cause a dancer to feel inadequate, out of control and depressed.  Read more...





Eating Disorders:  What's Happening on the Inside?
The human body is amazing and will go to great lengths to protect itself, and that is exactly why eating disorders are so devastating….    Read more...




Eating Disorders:  How Can Dance Educators and Parents Lower the Risk?

Dancers compete individually in an aesthetic sport, placing them in the high-risk category for developing an eating disorder.  What can dance educators and parents do to lower the risk for their dancers and children?  Read more...





Anorexia Athletica:  When Exercising Becomes a Bad Thing
Anorexia athletica is a disorder described as using exercise to change the size, shape, or composition of the body in a compulsive manner.  Individuals with this disorder have a constant pre-occupation with exercise and develop a dependence on exercise that is similar to an addiction.  Read more...

            

Anorexia Athletica: When Exercising Becomes a Bad Thing

                     

“The pursuit of perfection is, in truth, an empty endless cycle that leaves us emotionally and spiritually bereft, as a preoccupation with external appearance undermines inner beauty.”  

                                                                                 – Margo Maine

NEDA

          The last week in February is designated National Eating Disorder Awareness Week in the United States.  Eating disorders are a concern for all of us in the dance community because dancers are constantly competing to maintain an aesthetically pleasing appearance and are at a high risk for developing them.  In the past I have written several posts about body image in dancers, eating disorders, damage caused by eating disorders, and what dance educators can do to help discourage eating disorders.  This post addresses a disorder that often goes hand in hand with eating disorders but is not discussed very often.

            Anorexia athletica is a disorder described as using exercise to change the size, shape, or composition of the body in a compulsive manner.  Individuals with this disorder have a constant pre-occupation with exercise and develop a dependence on exercise that is similar to an addiction.

            Exercise and physical activity are ways to improve overall health, improve mood, and contribute to a positive psychological state.  Moderate exercise has also been shown to increase the activity of the immune system thereby helping to ward off illness.

            However, as with anything in life, when taken to an extreme, even exercise can become harmful.  For those who are battling anorexia athletica, exercise becomes something they must do.  They schedule everything in their lives around their exercise sessions, and when they are unable to exercise, they experience feelings of guilt, anxiety, restlessness, and extreme irritation.  These individuals often use exercise as a punishment for eating too much.  Since exercise burns calories, these individuals work to burn off all the calories they ingest.  As a result, the amount an individual exercises becomes an indicator of self-worth.

            Because exercise becomes a necessity for these individuals, they exercise to an extreme, continuing to exercise even when sick, injured, or in pain.

            Excessive exercise often burns more calories than an individual can ingest and creates a lack of energy, or an energy deficit.  In extreme cases the body may resort to burning muscle mass for fuel.  Constant bouts of extreme exercise can result in overuse injuries like stress fractures and muscle tears and cause the body to release large amounts of cortisol and adrenaline.  These hormones increase blood pressure, cause insomnia, and decrease the ability of the immune system to fight off illness and disease.

            Studies like the one published in Comprehensive Psychiatry in 2008 have found that anorexia athletica is common among those who are also diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, an eating disorder that is an irrational fear of gaining weight that results in restricting food intake, often to the point of starvation. (1)  When paired together, these two disorders are a deadly combination.

            A disturbing research study published in 1993 found that dancers are at risk for developing anorexia athletica.  When compared with field hockey players and marathon runners, a mixed group of modern and ballet dancers scored significantly higher on tests measuring exercise dependence. (2)

            It is important for all dance educators to know about this disorder since they often work with dancers who are dieting to maintain a certain body shape and size.  Excessive exercise is often applauded in dance and dance educators encourage taking extra technique classes and cross-training.  It is imperative that educators be certain the students are seeking additional training for the right reasons, or they could be encouraging destructive behavior that could have horrible consequences.

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 (1) Grave, R.D., Calugi, S. & Marchesi, G. (2008) Compulsive exercise to control shape or weight in eating disorders: prevalence, associated features, and treatment outcome.  Comprehensive Psychiatry, 49(4), 346-52.

(2) Pierce, E.F., Daleng, M.L., & McGowan, R.W. (1993) Scores on exercise dependence among dancers. Perceptual and Motor Skills, 76(2), 531-5.