A Professional Dancer Shares her ED Story & A Giveaway

 This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, and in celebration of that, The Healthy Dancer has asked its readers to share their stories, and to encourage our readers to promote awareness this week and share these posts, The Healthy Dancer is hosting a giveaway. To be entered to win the new edition of Jenni Schaefer's book, Life Without ED, you must leave a comment on this post. To gain additional entries we invite you to share links to our posts this week on Facebook and Twitter.

This courageous post comes from a professional dancer currently struggling with an eating disorder...  

Separation

A recent “medical leave” from dance satisfied the suggestions of professionals that separation from the dance environment would help me to recover from my disordered eating. I’d like to say that my doctors told me to take some time away from dancing because I became too thin. This was not the case. As a dancer that struggles with eating from the binge-eating/bulimic side of things, I often feel ashamed of not being “sick enough”. For not being good enough to really have an eating disorder…

Two and a half months and 15 extra pounds later, no solution to the eating disorder has emerged.  Instead, I have found myself giving in, allowing myself permission to binge, purge, and restrict; falling into destructive, late-night behaviors with wild friends that I can’t keep up with; and wondering why I feel lethargic, hopeless and bloated with disgust for myself.

The exact beginning of the eating disorder behaviors is unclear. Perhaps personality made me vulnerable: as a perfectionist and highly sensitive individual, I always will experience life with overwhelming intensity.  I remember feeling large as a kid, even before ballet and I were in a serious, exclusive relationship. Once that relationship blossomed, weight and food became an obsession. Instead of nourishing the unique set of talents that my compact, muscular body allowed me, I gorged myself with hate for my shortcomings until I was sick with cruelty toward myself.

College - a blizzard of bingeing, over-exercising, restricting, laxatives, and calorie counts. On the outside I blossomed, but inside I burned with anxious hopelessness, stuck in the eating disorder cycle. My serious relationship shifted from being with dance to being with the eating disorder. Somehow I  finished with nearly a perfect GPA, a job dancing professionally, and a legacy of unforgettable performances. Yet, I was so numb to all such beauty in my life.

After college, this addictively abusive relationship with food and my body dragged me through a turbulent first year dancing with a mid-West ballet company. Despite my success, I remained unsatisfied. I fled that environment, re-locating to my hometown to dance for a contemporary ballet company. In all honesty, I returned home to search for a solution to the eating disorder. Early into the season, I found myself bowing out of the studio and stepping completely into the eating disorder’s arms.

Yesterday was my first class back to dancing in months. I made this decision on my own, without the approval of my support team. I have never been more proud. Time away from dancing has allowed me the unexpected realization that dance itself can and must be part of the recovery process for those of us who are dancers at heart. I had no idea that the solution to my problem eating might lie in the movement itself.

I had no idea that it’s not the dance world that caused the eating disorder, but rather my own unrealistic demands for myself within the context of this world. Once the core belief of my lack of worth was established, it became very easy to view it as truth. It’s easy to focus on the demanding parts of dance. However, it took a complete removal of dance from my life for me to notice the power it instills in me: motivation, life, strength, energy. I live as a dancer, and I can now recognize that in order to be content, I must nourish this part of me. I feel music in my muscles. I experience relationships as a dance of spirits. To recover, I must move, because the dancer in me contains some of the best, most thoughtful parts of my soul. When I dance, I’m wild, free, and compassionate. My time away from dance has reminded me that I can be this person in all parts of my life. Through dance, my soul sings, and it is time to allow myself to enjoy the song.

National Eating Disorders Awareness

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Time To Share Your Stories

          February is National Eating Disorders Awareness Month, and this blog has always used the month of February to educate the dance community about eating disorders and help create awareness.  This year, I would like to invite any of my readers who have an eating disorder, are recovering from an eating disorder, have survived an eating disorder or have been a parent, friend, teacher or coach of someone with an eating disorder to share their experiences.

         I will accept guest articles from you up until Sunday, February 16, and will celebrate National Eating Disorder Awareness by publishing your stories the last two weeks in February.  Anyone who comments on the shared stories will be entered into a contest to win the 10th Anniversary Edition of Jenni Schaefer's book Life Without Ed.

If you are interested in sharing your story email me, and I will share the guidelines with you!

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

            This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week and an important week for dance educators.  As a dance educator I have taught students with diagnosed eating disorders, I have had parents come to me in tears looking for guidance and support, I have had students come to me wanting to know how to help their friends, and I have had the privilege to be a student’s point person during the recovery process. 

            Dance is an activity that forces people to face their bodies daily.  Dancers stare at themselves in full mirrors, they need to be able to accept their bodies strengths as well as weaknesses, and they need to learn to be critical of how their bodies move without being critical of their actual bodies.  One of our jobs as dance educators is to teach them how to do these things and still develop a positive self-image.  Ignoring eating disorders and pretending they do not exist will not make them go away – educating the dance community about healthy eating, what really happens when we diet, what eating disorders are and how to recognize them, and how dangerous they can be will start us in the right direction.

            The Healthy Dancer’s celebration of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week usually involves covering the dance studio mirrors with paper and asking each student to write 3 things he or she like about him/herself on the paper.  By the end of the week, all of my dancers have enjoyed a week without mirrors and self-judgment and have instead focused on their positive qualities.

            The National Eating Disorder Association is a great resource for those suffering from disorders, parents, coaches, and educators, and I am always willing to share my experiences as an educator if you simply send me an email.

            In order to celebrate on this blog, I have gathered snippets from all of my past posts relating to nutrition and eating disorders for you to browse through, and The Healthy Dancer is sponsoring a giveaway in conjunction with the dancers who created Barre – The Real Food Bar.  Click on this link to find out how to win these healthy energy bars that are made from only real, whole food ingredients and taste delicious, too!

Dancer Health:  Fueling the Body Efficiently

When people prepare for a long road trip, they fill their cars with gasoline and make certain that they choose the type of fuel that will keep their cars running efficiently.  Food is the body’s fuel, and if the body is going to run efficiently, we need to be mindful of the food we use for energy.  Read more....

What to Eat Before and After Class or Rehearsal     

Dance students attend classes and rehearsals after already completing a long day at school.  It is at the time when most people begin to experience the “afternoon slump” that dancers are expected to begin the next part of their day.  Classes are starting and are often followed by rehearsals and require enormous amounts of energy.  Eating intelligently will help dancers perform at their best and feel good while doing it.  Read more...

Dancers and Body Image

Dancers are given the opportunity to observe themselves daily in full-length mirrors while wearing only tights and a leotard and must learn to live in harmony with their bodies.  They, unlike other athletes, are constantly faced with the challenge of developing the muscles required to perform well while making certain that the lines they produce are clean and aesthetically pleasing to the audience.  Read more...

Eating Disorders:  What Are They?

  
A dancer’s struggle with body image, when coupled with environmental and societal pressures to look a certain way or be a certain weight, often leads to dieting which can be a dangerous road for any athlete to travel.  Suddenly decreasing caloric intake, while energy demands remain high, leaves the body unable to function optimally and can cause a dancer to feel inadequate, out of control and depressed.  Read more...





Eating Disorders:  What's Happening on the Inside?
The human body is amazing and will go to great lengths to protect itself, and that is exactly why eating disorders are so devastating….    Read more...




Eating Disorders:  How Can Dance Educators and Parents Lower the Risk?

Dancers compete individually in an aesthetic sport, placing them in the high-risk category for developing an eating disorder.  What can dance educators and parents do to lower the risk for their dancers and children?  Read more...





Anorexia Athletica:  When Exercising Becomes a Bad Thing
Anorexia athletica is a disorder described as using exercise to change the size, shape, or composition of the body in a compulsive manner.  Individuals with this disorder have a constant pre-occupation with exercise and develop a dependence on exercise that is similar to an addiction.  Read more...

            

A Letter from A Recovering Anorexic/Bulimic Dancer

Today's post is a guest post from a woman recovering from an eating disorder.

I have tried to write this letter nearly five times already.  Every time I write it, it takes on a new personality of its own.  This, I think is directly reflective of how I feel about my eating disorder; each time I reflect upon my disease I feel something new.

I have been in recovery from anorexia/bulimia for nearly two years now – writing that seems incredible because it seems like only yesterday that I was dropping out of college and fighting with my nutritionist, therapist, doctor and everyone else who came in my path.  But it has in fact been two years.

I think most of us are familiar with eating disorders, at least in the textbook sense, but, unfortunately, many dancers, like me, are familiar with the real life versions.  I don’t want to talk about what it’s like to live with the disorder – it’s awful but it’s your only sense of self, it’s irrational but it makes so much sense, it’s painful but the pain doesn’t matter.  What I would rather talk about is what it’s like to recover from an eating disorder.  If we want to have a chance at anything in this world, eventually, we have to give up our eating disorder.  That was my first lesson, and I fought against it for a very long time.

Guess what?  I lost.  I had to give it up.  I thought that was going to be the hardest part, the first step.  I was wrong.  It’s what comes next that is the most difficult part – rebuilding your life without ‘ED’.  For so long, you pin all your hopes and dreams on this one idea; the idea that another pound lost is another step closer to – for me – becoming a beautiful ballerina.  Then comes the day when you realize this is not in fact the case.  On this day you are actually sitting on a couch in therapy not allowed to go within ten feet of a ballet studio and on a strict monitored diet that includes none, absolutely none, of your safe foods.  From here things get really hairy because on the one hand, anorexia has lead you to this couch, and on the other hand you are still pretty sure it’s the only way you can actually matter in life.  That, I believe, is the essence of the last two years of my existence, trying to navigate my way towards a ‘happy’ life while ignoring those little voices that say, “Anorexia is the only way you will ever matter.”  

Two years isn’t long enough to have figured out how to walk this fine line of happy but not sick.  I wish it were, because then maybe I would have better bits of wisdom for anyone out there still struggling with their own disorder.  What I can say though, is that every day it gets a little easier. Every day I navigate a maze of food choices.  Some days I want to say, “I’m not doing this today,” but there are also days when I invoke every coping skill I have ever learned and plan and execute a well-balanced food day.  I still look up restaurant menus before I go out, and cringe at the thought of an impromptu restaurant outing.  There are some mornings I wake up and the thought of squeezing into my jeans makes me want to cry.  There have been days when the thought of squeezing into my jeans is so daunting I call in sick, and there are also days when I don’t want to squeeze into my jeans, but I do it anyway and go on to have a perfectly fine day.  My point is, there are still bad days, but now there are also good days, and the good days are slowly becoming more frequent.  When I was sick, I isolated myself from my friends, dropped out of school and quit dancing – all I had was a diet to keep me company.  Today I don’t have a diet, but I do have a life which I’m beginning to think is a little more enticing. 

Margie is 23 years old, a beautiful dancer and a senior psychology major at SCSU. She is a member of Elm City Dance Collective, a New Haven based modern dance company. Following graduation she will go on to graduate school to receive a Ph. D in clinical psychology. 

Today is the final day to enter our contest to win a copy of Nancy Clark's Sports Nutrition Guidebook.  Simply comment below before 11:59 PM (EST).  Click here for the official rules.

Eating Disorders: What's Happening on the Inside?

“Do I want to die from the inside out or the outside in?”

― Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls

The human body is amazing and will go to great lengths to protect itself, and that is exactly why eating disorders are so devastating….

         Whenever a person “diets", drastically reduces caloric intake or skips meals, the body goes into survival mode.  The body instinctively believes there is a scarcity of food and, therefore, thinks it must conserve energy.  The metabolism (the rate at which the body converts food into energy) slows down so that consumed food will last longer.

         When diets become extreme, as in anorexia, the entire body slows down in an attempt at self-preservation.  The heart rate slows, and since the heart is a muscle, if activity slows down, the muscle begins to atrophy, or grow weaker.  The weakening and slowing of the heart causes a slower blood flow, which results in lower blood pressure.  These factors combine to cause fatigue, weakness and fainting.  Since the body believes there is not enough food to sustain its own activity, it will not allow the possibility of supporting a second life, and, therefore, the reproductive system shuts down.  Female anorexics develop amenorrhea (ceasing of menstrual periods), which can cause difficulty in getting pregnant in the future, and a decrease in estrogen levels.  The body uses estrogen to aid calcium absorption, and reduced calcium absorption leads to reduced bone mass, resulting in osteoporosis.  Restricting food means that the body is not getting all the necessary vitamins and minerals it needs to function.  Reduced calcium intake increases the osteoporosis risk, and decreased iron intake can lead to anemia, which causes fatigue and bruising.  As the anorexic’s weight decreases, his/her layers of fat are also reduced.  Without a sufficient layer of fat to preserve body heat, the body grows lanugo (a down-like covering of hair) over its entirety in an effort to stay warm.

Those suffering from bulimia are constantly bingeing on food and then purging the body of it.  This behavior keeps the body from absorbing necessary nutrients and causes electrolyte and chemical imbalances.  Sodium and chloride regulate fluid levels in the body, and when there is an imbalance in these minerals, dehydration can occur.  Sodium is also responsible for generating electrical impulses.  A sodium imbalance can be responsible for nervous system malfunctions. Potassium is used by the body to regulate heart rate and muscle function.  Too much or too little potassium can lead to arrhythmias (irregular heartbeats), which can cause heart failure.  Unbalanced potassium levels also affect the nervous and muscular systems, resulting in diminished reflexes.  The purging behavior irritates and inflames the esophagus which results in a chronic sore throat and can lead to an esophageal rupture.  The constant abuse weakens the stomach muscles making the stomach susceptible to ulcers.  A weakened stomach operates slowly, and food that is in the stomach remains there for a long time, allowing bacteria to grow and an ulcer to develop.  Since the stomach walls are weakened, there is also the potential for stomach ruptures.  Dental health is also affected, and the teeth become stained and decay from the stomach acids they are exposed to each time a bulimic vomits.  As in anorexia, there is a disturbance in menstrual function, and the reproductive system begins to shut down, putting the female bulimic at risk for future pregnancy complications as well as osteoporosis due to reduced estrogen levels.

         Eating disorders may begin as a small pre-occupation with food, but they soon take on a life of their own.  The psychological part of the disease drives the illness, but the physical destruction is widespread, not always reversible and can be fatal.

         My next post will focus on the role dance educators can play in helping to reduce the risk of eating disorders among their students and the resources that are available for those battling these diseases.

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Eating Disorders: What are they?

“The pursuit of perfection is, in truth, an empty endless cycle that leaves us emotionally and spiritually bereft, as a preoccupation with external appearance undermines inner beauty.”

 – Margo Maine

In order for our bodies to function optimally, healthy food choices need to become a part of every day life.  By adopting a lifestyle that uses nutritional knowledge to determine when and how much we should eat of which foods, we eliminate the need to “diet”.   A dancer’s struggle with body image, when coupled with environmental and societal pressures to look a certain way or be a certain weight, often leads to dieting which can be a dangerous road for any athlete to travel.  Suddenly decreasing caloric intake, while energy demands remain high, leaves the body unable to function optimally and can cause a dancer to feel inadequate, out of control and depressed.

            As this cycle progresses, it is very easy for behaviors and attitudes surrounding food, body image and weight to become obsessions and for an eating disorder to begin.  Eating disorders are psychological illnesses that can lead to life-threatening consequences.  In 1995, the American Journal of Psychiatry reported that eating disorders had the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, and a study published by the Clinical Journal of Sports Medicine in 2004, found that female athletes in aesthetic sports had the highest risk factors for developing an eating disorder.  These findings are red flags for the dance community whose members are susceptible to developing anorexia, bulimia or binge eating disorder.

            Anorexia is an irrational fear of gaining weight and being fat.  People with anorexia often restrict their food intake to the point of starvation, increase the amount of time they spend exercising, make frequent comments about being fat, grow anxious around food, find ways to avoid mealtimes and withdraw socially.

            Bulimia is an eating disorder that is also characterized by social withdrawal.  Bulimics binge on foods but then suffer from tremendous guilt and, therefore, force themselves to vomit or use laxatives to purge the food from their bodies.  They make frequent trips to the bathroom to allow for the purging and may change their schedules to accommodate the bingeing and purging behaviors.

            Those who have binge eating disorder eat large amounts of food, often in secret, but do not engage in purging behavior.  They, therefore, suffer from feelings of guilt and self-hatred continuously.

            Eating disorders are psychological illnesses that can develop either from issues with self-esteem, struggles with expressing emotions, a feeling of being out of control, feelings of anger, anxiety or inadequacy, a history of being ridiculed for body size and/or shape, perfectionist tendencies or any combination of these.  The reason eating disorders have such a high mortality rate is because, although they have psychological roots, eating disorders are manifested through physical behaviors that have detrimental physiological effects upon the body.

            Next week’s post will address what happens physiologically and what can be done to help prevent and lower the risk of eating disorders developing within the dance community.


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